In which (A) it is alliteratively alleged that the φ×1 Golden Rectangle^TM is a φction of self-referential spatial elegance, unworthy of the reverent φxation with which φlosophers of beauty have for too long worshipped it; and (B) it is deφnitively demonstrated that the √ φ×1 rectangle is a far more satisφing, lean, golden mean, æsthetic φst-φghting machine. We explore its recursive subdivision into self-tilings exhibiting emergent global structure and patterns, and show its relationship both to golden ratio-based identities and to Ammann’s bee tile, with a little art phistory added.